The First Ever Pac-12 Coaches Death Match

Update: The battle has begun. Start voting.

Introducing the first ever Pac-12 Coaches Death Match. This is a no holds barred, rule-less, lawless tournament style bout to the heart stop in which we’ve diligently seeded the twelve coaches of the Conference of Champions and pitted them in respective bouts. Winners advance based on your voting and the tournament format mirrors the Pac-12 tournament.

Vote, comment, share. Often.

The Rules:

  • Round 1: Voting is open from 2/23 – 2/27. The opening round bouts will feature the 5-12 seeds as the top 4 seeds received a first-round bye.
  • Round 2: Voting is open from 2/29 – 3/2.
  • Semifinals: Voting is open from 3/5 – 3/7.
  • Finals: Voting is open from 3/8 – 3/11 and the winner will be announced on 3/12.

The seeding process was extensive and executed by James of and myself via gchat, gmail, and the consult of Google image search.

Finally, the contenders:

  1. Kevin “Bruisin’ Boozin’ Bozo” O’Neill, USC – Anyone who has fought a booster – the backbone of all things collegiate – is fearless. It wouldn’t surprise me if school giving saw a spike soon after his tiff with that AZ booster but this ain’t about old money. It’s about one crazy man who looks like a red faced, psycho clown with a tremendously biting wit throwing Trojan crosses and haymakers. Plus he has the look of a man who can handle his bourbon. Bozo brawling.
  2. Johnny “Cruel Cardinal” Dawkins, Stanford – Have you ever seen him smile? One time the left side of his mouth lightly curled when Trent Johnson took the heat for not recruiting Jeremy Lin but then he remembered that his starting PG was Aaron Bright.
  3. Ken “Ichabod” Bone, Washington State – It’s not the size of the dog in the fight; it’s the size of the crazy in the dog. Ichabod got a lot of crazy, significant reach, and Miyagi riding shotgun.
  4. K, Utah – Dude’s 6’9” and you can’t pronounce his last name which is the same qualifications as that guy Jason Bourne killed with a ball point pen. And sure that dude may have died, but he took Bourne to the brink. Savage.
  5. Sean “Whooping” Miller, Arizona – Don’t let the incessant cough fool you, Whooping is tough as nails and loves to fight. Do you want to come after a guy who was proud of the XU-Cincinnati melee? Me either and bear in mind that he has Joe “Pele” Pasternack in his corner.
  6. Craig “Capacious Corvallian” Robinson, Oregon State – Not only is he a big dude but he’s backed by the Oval Office. It was hotly debated whether or not the Secret Service was permitted but ultimately their activities are secret so how would we ever know? Toss in the fact that he isn’t the tightest body and lil’ sis runs Let’s Move to fight childhood obesity so clearly he DGAF.
  7. Tad “Colorado Cranium” Boyle, Colorado – Disrespected in the preseason hoops polls. Disrespected here. Sleeper? Dude’s also 6’4” with a dome that looks like a place jabs go to die and hands the size of Andre The Giant’s torso.
  8. Lorenzo “HecEd HammerRomar, Washington – Don’t let the smiles and sweetness soften you. It’s rumored he doesn’t even swear. But it is in fact this very sensitivity to his community that makes him a contender. He’ll be channeling the anger of disenfranchised Sonics fans, growing in strength with every Harden, Westbrook, Ibaka, and Durant basket.
  9. Dana “Nike Knuckler” Altman, Oregon – It’s hard to take someone in a fight named “Dana” seriously (unless there’s Jell-O/KY/poles involved in which case bet the farm), but when you have full access to Uncle Phil’s checkbook, the narrative tends to shift. Plus he’ll probably come out in something more advanced than Bruce Wayne could ever conjure up – although it’d still be matte black (Note: during seeding we did not succumb to a significant opportunity at financial gain which I am not at liberty to discuss further).
  10. Mike “Bay Hopper” Montgomery, Cal – Having coached every relevant team in the Bay Area (Stanford, Golden State, Cal) has Monty grown soft like a Napa Winery? Never. Do not discredit the now longtime Bay Area local. After all, he was the head coach of the Warriors – the same position held by PJ Carlesimo – and excelled in his mandatory self-defense coursework.
  11. Ben “Westwood Wailer” Howland, UCLA – He has the scowl, the bark, the crazy eyes, the look. He also has a 2011-12 season in which he’s seemingly lost the will to live. You might too if your boss was Dan Guerrero and your fan base UCLA’s. The most exciting thing about the Westwood Wailer’s involvement in this tournament is when he disrobes we’ll finally see that he had been going tattoo for tattoo with Reeves Nelson. Gnarly.
  12. Herb “Tempe Terror” Sendek, ASU – OK, so he’s roughly 4’11” and 90lbs sopping wet. And looks like your accountant. And tweets things like this, this, and this. He clearly doesn’t have the look of a killer, but maybe that’s exactly how he’s about to roll you?

10 thoughts on “The First Ever Pac-12 Coaches Death Match

    1. Howland’s seeding seems to be touching a few nerves. Granted, he has dealt with Jerime Anderson’s stealing computers and Nikola Dragovic’s assault. Keeps hard company.

  1. I think you’re massively sleeping on Tad. I imagine his fighting style akin to his coaching style; hard to land a punch against (FG% defense) with a great counter (fast break focus). Also, don’t forget, he was a D-1 athlete at Kansas. I bet the immortal Larry Brown taught him a thing or two about how to survive a fight.

    1. Tad strikes me as the quintessential boxer from the ’20s. Knock you the eff out and buy you a beer. While this is no doubt going to help him, that gentlemanly nature did knock him down a tad (giggles) in the seeding.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *