Pac-12 Mascots Death Match: Round 1 Complete

And like that, we’re four anthropomorphs and a horse lighter. Some battles were fierce and others had the feel of the ms vs. the Vegas buffet the morning after – no winners. But there were advancers to whom we owe congratulations and spa treatment. Here’s how it shook out. Round 2 shortly.

#8 Swoop 154, #9 Dubs 102

I’m often asked – because many of my talents allude to the fact that I might have them – which super power I’d choose should I be given the choice. “Flying,” I say, without hesitation, because it’s the coolest. Well Swoop can’t necessarily fly because he doesn’t have wings but in theory he can and in reality he beat up the cutesiest of pups. I mean you’re truly a cutthroat killer to take this out:


As it was described, “laser hawk eyes…ain’t nothing to play with.”

#5 Chip (Ralphie) 255, #12 Traveler 41

This became clear – and certainly as Buffalo nation adamantly corrected me – that this was the lone matchup featuring live creatures. It was the horse rendered extinct, a fate Ralphie’s ancestry avoided and beat. And you never mess with someone who doesn’t fear death. Ben lauded that the conference “come at [him] with your anthropomorphic plush toys” which will have to wait. Ralphie dismissed a horse remembered for ultimately being hollow.

#7 Puddles 118, #10 Benny 116


Me either. They won’t soon patch things like Rust Cohle and Marty Hart, but these two also aren’t hunting bayou psycho-pedophiles. They’re just cheering intercollegiate athletics so a little rivalry ain’t gonna hurt. But hurt it did as Benny, in narrow fashion, was laid to rest like a spaghetti monster with green ears.

#11 Butch 119, #7 Tree107

That was an incredibly appealing argument for victory. “…the Tree will roll up a fatty, smoke one of his own kind and win by attrition.” But attrition can’t beat sex appeal. Butch matches memes with Gosling and so it was. I’d argue that Butch out-attritioned the tree by caring so little about the Tree and going for right at Gosling. Furthermore, it’s rumored that Eva Mendes left Gosling for Butch. Internet speculation but if confirmed…

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