They’ve lost to Jackrabbits, Vandals, Lumberjacks, Crimson, Mustangs, and Highlanders. Ad nauseam, it’s been discussed just how bad this Pac-12 is. There’s been suspensions, dismissals, departures, and ineligibility.
It’s bad.
But on December 29, conference play begins. A clean slate, a new year, an opportunity to win the conference crown. Alas, here is an argument for each respective team to win the inaugural Pac-12 title.
How Colorado wins it:
The key here is Andre Roberson. The sophomore will collect every rebound available. He’ll also throw down so hard that they award him a six-pointer, eight if he posterizes. The distinct advantage of possessions and six-for-one baskets will have the Buffs throwing lobs (lob city?) all day to the lengthy Roberson. Toss in the fact that Tad Boyle and his Buffs are still bitter from last season’s snub from the NCAA tournament, the team thrives by the mantra “we see you, VCU” and rubbing the bald head of a Shaka Smart bronze bust erected in the locker room.
How Utah wins it:
Fact of the matter is, the Utes have been using their OOC schedule to set everyone up for what’s to come. The old rope-a-dope is being applied by Larry Krystkowiak and his band of Utes. Speaking of Krystkowiak, he’s also been using the consonants of his last name to form a super player, fiercely resembling Captain America or The Jimmer. Said super player will lead the Utes to an improbable conference title and at least the second weekend in the tournament.
How Arizona wins it:
Sean Miller becomes so frustrated with having to suspend suspend Josiah Turner and the team’s propensity for turnovers, in a final effort to get through to his squad, Miller starts himself. And evidently the former Pitt Panther and little guy who did this, has still got it. He begins dishing out assists like it was going out of style and providing the on court leadership this team so desperately needs. He has so much fun he keeps Turner on the bench, names Book Richardson head coach, and leads the Wildcats to not only their second straight conference title, but also the national championship.
How Arizona State wins it:
Jahii Carson is so inspired to be a Sun Devil despite his ineligibility that he practices so hard that he makes Ruslan Pateev not only an All-American center but also the next great Russian boxing champ. Trent Lockett and Keala King come through on their coach’s promise to them to be the next James Harden and the Herbivores play such a seamless zone defense that they make time stop. And then Sendek keeps his job, too.
How UCLA wins it:
Ben Howland finally gets a clue and kicks the cancerous Reeves Nelson off the tea…oh, he did that already. In that case, Josh Smith jogs home to Washington for Christmas break, whipping himself into long overdue shape just but just in time for Pac-12 play. He also, amidst the zen of running, learns how to teach Jerime Anderson and Norman Powell how to shoot and the two start raining threes. Lazerick Jones no longer needs to be the scorer and distributor of this team and Howland gets the Wear family to play and guard the three. Oh, and Anthony Stover starts getting actual PT.
How USC wins it:
Not only does 40-minutes-per-game Maurice Jones play and dominate all of every game, he begins playing every position for the fighting Bozos. Suddenly the 5’7″ guard is putting Josh Smith shots into the Galen Center rafters, running circles around lock-down Jorge Gutierrez, and scoring a Pistol Pete-like 62 ppg. The massive point total makes head Bozo, Kevin O’Neil, slightly uncomfortable coaching a team scoring more than 60 ppg, but he accepts it because all the minutes go to one player.
How Cal wins it:
Jorge Gutierrez locks down so hard on defense that he doesn’t allow a single point all season. Allen Crabbe and Justin Cobbs realize that for them to truly be a great Mike Montgomery team, they need to be twin brother centers. They settle on just wearing matching Mark Madsen masks as they go on to average identical numbers: 17.3 ppg, 5.2 rpg, 4.8 apg. Meanwhile, Harper Kamp goes to Occupy Oakland, realizes basketball is his only way into the 1% and has an All-Conference season. Bak Bak.
How Stanford wins it:
I mean, by pure cerebral force of the student body, Tiger Woods’ libido, and alumni endowment Stanford should win every national title. Instead, the Cardinal must battle their way to the Pac-12 crown which is OK because Johnny Dawkins smiled once. With that smile, three children were cured of incurable diseases and Chasson Randle committed to play in Palo Alto. He hasn’t smiled since but Aaron Bright is playing like the best point guard in the conference and have you seen Josh Owens? There’s a reason Silicon Valley has been recession proof.
How Oregon State wins it:
Jared Cunningham leaps buildings in a single bound and President Obama pardons all losses. Simple as that. While winning the conference title, Michelle makes Joe Burton the face of her Let’s Move campaign to fight childhood obesity and suddenly it’s cool to be a Beaver. Cunningham wins national POY and Robinson national COY, leveraging their success to convince Jerry Buss to hire Robinson and trade all assets to draft Cunningham while moving the Lakers to Corvalis .
How Oregon wins it:
The Ducks make a reunion tour out of the season just to rub it in the face of all their transfers. Dana Altman calls up his old buddy Kyle Korver, EJ Singler hollers at big brother Kyle, and the Luke show (Ridnour and Jackson) all don the Nike gear to win the Pac-12 title atop the Tall Firs. So determined are the Ducks to make this a true reunion tour, anyone not on board gets LaGarrette’d.
How Washington wins it:
How about if their best players just play like they should? That said, Terrence Ross channels the inner-upset of NBA-less Seattleites and plays at a Durantula level. He winds up being the best player on the west coast; better than Kobe, Monta, CP3, Blake, you name it. The supporting cast obliges and Wilcox, Gant, Gaddy, etc. play disciplined basketball around the uber-talented Ross. His play is in fact so great that it doesn’t matter that Tony Wroten Jr. can’t make a free throw.
How Washington State wins it:
Realizing that his best team at WSU was chock full of pot heads, Ken Bone institutes a rule that everyone must light up pregame. Brock Motum is fully on board and the Aussie becomes the most dominate center in the Pacific Northwest. Reggie Moore is so ecstatic about this new rule that he’s literally floating during games and is therefore an unstoppable force. Faisal Aden overcomes his shooting deficiencies and starts hitting at a 67% clip, leading the nation in scoring.